Today I have a guest blog from my wife, Karla. Here it is:
Voices. For years, I have listened to people describe what it feels like to experience hearing voices. And I have always said a prayer of thanks that hearing voices was not a part of my mental illness. It had never occurred to me that the reason I had not experienced hearing voices was because until recently I had always been on a medication that would prevent the voices or stop them. In reality I was hearing the voices for quite awhile I just did not know it.
When I was off the anti-psychotic, I began to hear voices. Eventually I was put back on one but while I was off of it things were horrible. The noises were so loud at times. I could not hear what was going on around me. And the things they were telling me to do were so awful. They were telling me I deserved to die and that no one would miss me.
When things got to loud I would lie in bed and wrap up so I would not hurt myself. Then I would lay there and repeat “Please God help me stay safe.” But sometimes I wondered if God even remembered me. Was God helping me or even watching over me? So praying might have been useless but it made me feel better, more secure. I guess if nothing else I wanted to believe God still loved me.
The noise in my head was so loud that at times I felt like my brain was going to explode into a million pieces. I felt trapped in my head, in my body, in the room, in the hospital, even in the world. I just felt like running and running and running until I did not feel trapped anymore. The sad part was no matter whether I stayed put or ran many, many marathons, I would always feel trapped by the voices until the right medication at the right dose could be found.
I wish life was simple. They they could install a switch to shut off the voices and noise permanently. The doctor could just find the right switch and flip it and the noises would stop never to return. Because unfortunately based on past experience I knew that eventually they would find the correct medicine and the correct dose but at some point and time it would stop working and so we would have to start over again. And then the voices will be so loud again.